I'm an addict... plain and simple

As the title suggests... I'm an addict.  There is simply no way around it.  It's something I've always known and have often confessed in my ramblings.  Ramblings that were nothing more than that of a fat man using humor to move the conversation away from the obvious.  I have an addiction to food, and because of that addiction I am:

1. One cheeseburger away from a deadly heart attack.
2. Can't reach the second story of my home without losing my breath.
3. Constantly mopping sweat from my brow.
4. Always tired.
5. Self loathing
6. Scared.

I have to face reality the reason I've not dealt with my food addiction or my weight is because I am scared.  Scared to face such a difficult task.  I did it once, but can I do it again?  The constant worry of failing and not being able to recover.  The nagging of my stomach as it wants more food I am mentally unwilling to give it, but emotionally struggling to not give in to something that will make me feel better... for a moment.  Scared of the moment I realize what I did and the shame sets in.

Photo by Ronit Shaked on Unsplash

Am I scared to take on this challenge?  Yes.  Am I scared to ignore it?  Terrified... because I will die sooner rather than later if I don't.  When I hear my heart beat, it's the same as listening to the ticking of a time bomb.  When will it finally explode?

Hopefully... not for a very long time.

"The first step in solving a problem is recognizing there is one."  

From my words above, I think I can check that one off the list.  Now to do something about it, and really commit to doing it.

For more than a week now, I've committed to the task at hand.  I started a diet on Wednesday of last week.  I went to the grocery and instead of purchasing unhealthy foods, I focused on purchasing good foods.  I came home, sorted through the groceries and put them away.  In the process, I threw out every ounce of unhealthy food I could.  I cut up my vegetables, measured and bagged them for easy access.  I meal prepped a bit and planned my week ahead.

I've stuck with it, but God has it been hard.  My stomach hurts from the lack of food.  I see people around me eating things I want to eat.  I want nothing more than to go through a drive-thru and get something dripping with grease.  This may sound like whining to you, and I admit it.  Yeah, it probably is whining especially to someone who has never dealt with addiction.

Food addiction is real.  It's not a "snowflake" concept.  A quick Google search will result in all sorts of results related to the fully realized condition.

You see, the problem with food addiction is you simply can't quit food.  I'm not saying a person can simply stop taking a drug.  Please don't confuse my sentiment.  I am not insinuating food addiction is worse or even compares to a drug addiction.

But it is different.  It's different because a human needs food to survive.  There's no way around it.  I can't walk away from it.  One french fry can cause a massive relapse.  I know this because it's happened on many occasion.

All of that said, knowing is half the battle right?  I know this to be true and I admit that I am suffering from it.  I can overcome it.  I've done it before.  I can do it again.  And I will.

That's why this blog is critical to my success.  I need this to hold myself accountable.  As long as one person is reading this, I will stay committed.  I also need it to be truthful.  It's like a mirror.  I have to face the facts.  Putting my fat life in black and white makes it more real in someway.  Gives it a physical presence, one that I can see and one that I can fight.

So here I go.

I humbly ask that you include me in your prayers.  I know there are more deserving people; people that need real help and I ask that you give them some extra love.  I'll take the leftovers, because that's better than none at all.

And yes... I just made a food reference on a blog about food addiction and trying to lose weight.  Don't worry.  You don't have to roll your eyes.  I did it for you.  Be warned, I have lots of dad jokes.

Until next time.

Starting weight - September 4, 2019:  389 pounds.

Short Term Goal:  Lose 39 pounds and reach 350 pounds.

Long Term Goal:  Lose 139 pounds and reach 250 pounds.